Can't Forget My Meds

Content Warning: Depression, Mental Illness

Disclaimer: Nothing in this post should be construed as medical or psychological advice. No decisions should be made without consulting the appropriate medical professionals. I am only sharing my experiences, in the hopes that someone else finds them useful.

Puppies wearing dapper hats. Puppies in sophisticated bow ties. Soft, fluffy golden retrievers in a basket looking bewildered. Bright yellow flowers in the background. One puppy has wiggled so much, he’s almost fallen out.

This would usually bring me joy and giggles.

But when I’m depressed, my brain can’t connect the dots. I know the picture is adorable and silly and all the things that delight me. I just can’t access the feeling it normally brings.

Depression for me feels like a disconnect – a drowning.

I was in the middle of the ocean. I could see the surface above me and I knew what breathing fresh air felt like. But I just couldn’t reach it, no matter how hard I struggled and stretched and jumped.

Some things gave me a boost. Pictures of puppies acted as a small current that gave me a tiny push to the surface. But my head would drop back below the waves almost immediately.

Therapy. Exercise. Yoga. Meditation. Superfoods. Comedy Specials. Music. Punny Jokes.

They all pushed me up enough to catch a quick breath.

But I always ended up falling back down. It was exhausting.

---

By the time I was considering antidepressants, I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own mind. It’s a terrifying feeling and I hope you never have to experience it.

The idea of taking medication for these symptoms was almost equally as terrifying. I was afraid of becoming addicted and needing them for the rest of my life. I feared the potential side effects.

But I couldn’t go on drowning.

---

I did a couple of things that helped sort out my decision making:

Talked to medical professionals

The first time I met with my primary care physician (PCP), she mentioned the word “emotions.” That was all it took for me to start sobbing hysterically. She told me I had options, but didn’t pressure me to take a prescription. I apologized a thousand times before leaving her office. She reassured me a thousand and one times that it was ok to have feelings. It was revolutionary coming from a doctor.

My therapist was not in favor of antidepressants. She was concerned that taking a mood-altering medication may cover the problem like a Band-Aid, rather than allow us to fix what was causing my depression. I considered her advice. I also knew that she wasn’t in my mind and couldn’t know how drowning felt to me. The depression was so thick, I didn’t have the words or energy to explain it. I spent almost every session crying in her office, which is its own kind of exhausting.

Researched people’s experiences with antidepressants.

This wasn’t the start and end of my research, because there was such a wide range of experiences. Some people had horrible side effects and some people echoed a tampon commercial exclaiming how much fun their life was now that they had pharmaceutical help.

Hearing different experiences helped prepare me for the possibilities. To be honest, those tampon commercial vibes sounded too good to be true, but also kind of amazing.

Wrote a list of pros and cons

It sounds basic, but it helped to write out all the fears that were anchoring me below the surface. Both columns mostly contained question marks. Nothing was certain.

I looked carefully at my current path. So many of my depression fighting tactics were useful, but I couldn’t catch a breath long enough to actually do much of anything. Long walks on the beach are great, only if you can stop crying long enough to put your shoes on.

This exercise did produce one certainty: I couldn’t keep going the way I was.

Joined a Slack group for people experiencing mental illness.

I was referred to this group after texting a crisis line. I had to summon a lot of energy to wade through the conversations. Knowing others are experiencing depression was helpful, but it also made the future feel pretty bleak.

In a moment of bravery, I pulled myself up to the surface and took a deep breath. I posted a question asking about the specific antidepressant I was considering. I ended up chatting with a complete stranger. Their eventual conclusion was simple, profound, and terrifying: “Try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something else.”

Could it be that simple? Was I overthinking it? (Spoiler alert: I don’t think I have ever under-thought anything in my life).

The conversation made me realize I wasn’t signing up for a lifetime subscription, I was just trying something. I had tried other things. This was just a step, it didn’t have to be the final journey.

---

I share all of this because I want you to know how desperate and lost I felt trying to make this decision. Ultimately it came down to this:

The way I felt wasn’t sustainable.

I had to fight fiercely for a better life. I had to try something.

---

I went back to my PCP and grilled her on possible side effects.

When I picked up the prescription, I was shaking. I read and re-read the directions. I was terrified of messing up. Much of my depression comes from overwhelming anxiety. The kind of anxiety that lets my imagination run wild.

I wrote everything out on a calendar so I wouldn’t mix up my dosage. I meticulously documented absolutely everything I was doing. I was so scared of side effects that for the first few weeks, I recorded what time I took it, the dose, and anything that could possibly be somewhat tangentially related to a side effect.

My notes were so detailed, they included things like, “today at 3:32p, my right eye twitched.” I also tracked my mood, which seemed pretty much unaffected at first.

More importantly, I confided in a few people close to me. I told them specifically what I was taking so they could help monitor for changes in mood. I wanted to make sure I had extra eyes to spot if something was off that I couldn’t see. I was genuinely worried that taking the medication would make me instantly delusional (which of course, didn’t happen).

All of that preparation and research and anxiety…

And then, nothing really happened.

No side effects to report (even though I was regularly scanning my mind and body for them).

What did change was that my mood gradually improved bit by bit. I didn’t go off on some manic tangent or feel like my emotions were robotic.

I just felt like I was able to take half breaths more often. And then slowly, over time, I could take full breaths. It felt like someone very slowly moved a small crate under me so I could get on my tippy toes and keep my head above water for more than a second.

The way I think of it is that the medication “lifted the floor” on my moods. My lows were less frequent and not as deep.

This allowed me to see the world more clearly and objectively. Before, I didn’t have the capacity to do much in therapy. Now, I could engage in a conversation and listen to my therapist’s questions and really think about the cause of my depression and anxiety. Without medication, I don’t know if I could have stabilized long enough to engage in that conversation.

---

I was extremely lucky in that I did not have any notable side effects. The first medication I tried worked.

Since then, I have worked with my PCP and a Licensed Psychiatrist to adjust my dose as needed. In the future, I may need to adjust again. If that happens, I’ll have conversations with medical professionals and seek multiple opinions so I can make an informed choice.

I am so thankful that I’m in a mindspace where I can confidently evaluate options and make a cautious, deliberate decision.

Overall, I can say my experience is has been overwhelmingly positive. The tampon commercial reviews became my reality.

Everyone is different and their reactions might be different. Maybe the idea of ever taking mood stabilizers is unheard of to you. That’s perfectly ok. You may never have to or want to. Everyone has to figure out what works for them in the current moment. What works for me today might not work a year from now, or five years from now.

Only you know what your journey looks like. You may be living a great life and feel positive most of the time. But if you’re someone like me who has struggled, you have options. You can always try something new, and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Check out my Resources Page if you are seeking more information or to connect with a professional.

I will note that there are lot of barriers to mental health treatment. I have faced some over the years, even with the many (many) privileges available to me. I will be exploring this in a future post.