Joy | Part 1

Small birds are easy to underestimate. They can sing and squawk with the best of them. They have power and freedom in their wings. And yet, you may never know they are there.

When I was a child, my grandfather kept a hummingbird feeder outside of a large picture window facing a field with a few apple trees. We would often spend time sitting at the small table, playing cards and letting the hours tick by.

If we were all quiet, we would be rewarded with a front row view of the tiny birds coming to drink. They were so close we could hear their wings thundering through the glass. We could spend a whole evening entertained – watching them get their fill, fight each other for spots, and dance midair right in front of us.

But you had to be still, and patient. You had to know where to look, and most of all, you had to be paying attention. If you were wrapped up in yourself, you could miss the whole show.

Hummingbirds have always brought me joy. They are fast and elusive – catching a glimpse makes me feel like I just saw a secret.

Birds represent freedom – a life above the ground. The tiny ones are the most fascinating. So small – they can go where they please. They can escape your notice. But when rustling in a bush, they can stir up a storm loud enough to make you think you’re in danger.

When I got a divorce, I felt free. I got a tattoo of a bird on my shoulder to celebrate. I saw myself as a little bird. Underestimated. But immeasurably powerful.

My journey of healing from my divorce has been remarkably liberating. But it has also made me weary. Early in 2019, a deep, debilitating depression set in. When my marriage was ending, my heart felt broken. Now that I was free, the hard work of healing left my heart a dried-out shell inside my chest.

Feeling my spirit stirring within me, I sought hope. I attended a Manifestation Workshop. It was out of my comfort zone and walking into the place, I felt like fleeing. In the past I had experienced amazing things just beyond that panicky feeling, so I pushed myself inside the door.

At the end of the workshop, I felt inspired and centered. Hope ignited in my soul and I had peace.

One of the things I said I was going to manifest in 2019 was, emphatically, “more joy.” I didn’t know how that joy would find me, but I imagined feeling it in my chest and trusted that it would arrive soon.

The next day, while making the bed, I decided to step outside to peek at the plants on my small balcony and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.

As I stepped up to the screen door, I froze.

Hovering above my balcony railing was a hummingbird. She held a small bit of white fluff in her mouth.

I held my breath as she buzzed towards the back corner of the balcony and disappeared. After what felt like a full minute, she flew away and settled into the nearby palm trees. Cautiously, I slid open the screen door and stepped outside to see where she had been hiding.

In the upper corner of my balcony, hung a small butterfly wind chime. Sitting on top of it, ever so carefully, was a compact, perfectly round, nest. Unable to contain my joy, I squealed and jumped.

A nest! A tiny, precious, powerful jewel of a bird decided to build its home in my little corner of the world. I ran inside and posted myself on the arm of my couch, looking through the window that faced the nest directly. As I watched, the hummingbird buzzed back and sat perfectly inside the tiny nest.

How could I be this lucky? How could such a beautiful, inspiring little creature decide to share such a close and intimate space with me?

I texted my boyfriend in all caps, telling him how this marvelous creation had decided to live with us.

He asked if I manifested the hummingbird. I said no, but I had manifested joy.

I would not have ever imagined one of my absolute favorite birds, deciding to live on my balcony in full view. I never had dreamed of such a beautiful, inspiring thing. But here it was, in front of my eyes.

There is a hummingbird that lives on my balcony.

Her name is Joy.

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