Joy - Part 2

I had this amazing, uplifting experience with a hummingbird living on my balcony. She brought me joy, immediately after I had asked for joy.

Her babies emerged. I watched her feed them with so much love in my heart.

Then, she died unexpectedly on that same balcony, her newly hatched babies screaming from their nest.

They died of starvation and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I saw their mother collapsed on the ground, lifeless.

I was afraid to go outside for the fear of the smell of rot. If the scent of her death got into my spirit, I thought I could never rid the decay from my life.

The sadness and joy would always intermingle.

In some ways they still do.

Thinking about Joy now is intertwined with seeing her laying there motionless and hearing her babies cry.

An article I read said that said hummingbird babies will die within four hours without food from their mothers. I hope they died quickly and painlessly. I hope they fell into a deep sleep.

Why did Joy show up on my balcony, build her nest and birth her babies there?

Why did I receive such overwhelming joy, just to have it taken away?

Why was I given such happiness and such intense sadness wrapped together in one package?

It hurts. It feels like finally being able to grin and breathe and feel free, just to be dropped back down further than I was before.

I had written about the joy she brought me. I don’t know yet how to write about the sadness of how her story ended.

I am angry that I have to.

I guess I’m supposed to ask questions about the meaning. I’m supposed to find some great philosophy behind it and learn a life lesson that will change me. But all I can come up with is anger and sadness. All I have are questions.

Why is joy always accompanied by pain?

Does it have to be?

Are we only able to experience one in the shadow of the other?

There’s only so much sadness and anger I can take.

I want to ask for more. I want to ask for sunshine and roses and happiness and love. I want to root out the sadness and anger and tell them to never come back.

There was a hummingbird that lived on my balcony. Her name was Joy.

She is gone.