What I Wish I Knew About Therapy - Before I Needed It

I have sat in offices and cried until my body felt so exhausted it was going to melt into the floor.

I have sat in sessions and fought the urge to walk out, because I paid my copay and would get something out of my 50 minutes, even if it was just someone to listen.

I have had a therapist ask me questions that I tried to brush off, things I said I would deal with later.

I have had a counselor empower me to walk through tough challenges, reminding me that I have the strength to make difficult decisions.

Therapy used to be a scary concept for me. Therapy meant you had problems, and I tried to be eternally optimistic.

Many of us are finding ourselves living in a world that is rapidly changing. Dealing with COVID-19 and the closures, uncertainty, and death has forced us to face life and ourselves.

I’m sure than some of you have participated in therapy in the past, while others have never considered it.

No matter where you are on that spectrum, I am sharing some things I wish I had known.

Note that I use the term therapist universally. There are many different types of therapists – counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists and several other professions that help people. There are also a variety of settings – individual, group, text, telephone and in-patient. My experiences primarily come from individual therapy with a variety of professionals.

As with last week’s post, please remember that this is not intended to be mental health advice. This is me sharing my experiences. Maybe some of it will resonate and help you in some way. Maybe it won’t. Both of those outcomes are perfectly fine. You are the best person to decide what you need.

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1. Establish Care Before You Are Desperate

Crisis, by its nature, is unpredictable.

Every time I found myself needing a therapist, I have (thankfully) been insured. But that didn’t mean getting into that first session was easy.

I waited weeks for referral lists, months for an appointment to open up, and cried over lost paperwork.

In some instances, I had to go through screening appointments to determine if mental health treatment was “medically necessary.” Providers had to ask intrusive questions, with little time left to address how those questions made me feel.

This speaks nothing of co-pays, billing discrepancies and scheduling challenges.

Seeking therapy when I was feeling desperate meant that my capacity for long wait lists, tough questions, and stacks of paperwork was at an all-time low.

I wish I had established care with a therapist before I really needed it. Catching a downward spiral before it goes too far is significantly easier than picking up the phone while experiencing rock bottom.

Not everyone has this type of experience – some insurance companies and medical providers are easier to navigate. But for some, especially those without insurance, it may be even harder to get help.

In my experience, therapy has completely and totally been worth it. But it would have been even more effective if I didn’t have to go through the ringer while at my worst, just to get to my first appointment.

2. Your First Therapist May Not Be The Best Fit

I have gotten more out of one session with a therapist who I connect with, than I have in months with a therapist that just wasn’t right for me. I am all about giving second, third and fourth chances. But therapy is too important, and your time too precious.

Don’t be afraid to walk away from a therapist who just isn’t a good fit. Better to put that energy into finding someone who meets your needs. They are professionals, not friends.

If you do find yourself in a session with a therapist that you don’t think you’ll want to see again – recognize it for what it is and get what you can out of it.

I have realized that a therapist wasn’t going to work for me halfway through a session. At that point, I used it as an opportunity to vent to someone who was a good listener, paid my co-pay, and moved on.

3. Ask Questions

I have learned that if I have a question, I always feel better after asking. And if my questions are met with resistance, or a negative response, then I have my answer. It is better to know early so I don’t invest more time and energy than necessary.

Especially if you are new to therapy, you may have a lot of questions – about their methods, who they are, and what to expect. Ask away. This is good communication. It allows your fears to be dissuaded so you can focus on other needs. It also lets the therapist know what is important to you.

4. Get Ready to Get Uncomfortable

I am a (recovering) people pleaser. When I start with a new therapist, I often want them to “like” me. I want to be “good” at therapy.

If I only show my therapist the “good” parts of myself, they can’t help me. The hard work in therapy is getting to know yourself – the good, the bad and the unthinkable.

I think of it like looking under a giant, heavy rock. If I don’t lift it, how can I do anything about what’s underneath?

Lifting is hard work and sometimes requires another set of hands. Peeking underneath is terrifying. Looking through all the bugs, worms and rot is easier with someone by my side to help me identify what I am seeing. Sometimes, I find it’s not even as scary as I thought, just dark.

But if the rock stays put, all those gross things are still stuck there. And even worse, my fear of those gross things grows, unchecked.

A good therapist will help you lift the rock, shine the light on the dark areas, and help you find the tools you need to clean up.

Is it uncomfortable? Hell Yes.

Is it necessary? Also, Hell Yes.

5. Most Of The Work Is Done After The Session

Much like classes in school require outside time for every hour spent in the classroom, therapy isn’t limited to the one hour a week I spend facing my therapist. Some therapists assign “homework” or things for me to work on throughout the week. Even in the absence of anything official, I often find myself ruminating on a truth that was uncovered in my last session.

I have found that as I dig deeper in therapy, I need to set aside time to process. Sometimes this is done through journaling, exercise, or long walks. I need time for the information to marinate.

Knowing this before getting into therapy would have allowed me to set aside time from the beginning.

Now I make it a habit to not plan anything after my evening therapy sessions. This leaves space for me to do whatever feels right. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need to sleep or simply rest.

Being aware of this can allow you to be gentler with yourself. If you’re particularly time crunched, this could be as simple as setting an intention to focus on one thing discussed in therapy while you’re taking a shower. Or letting your mind wander to a discovery that was made while you are doing the dishes.

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Hearing all of this might make therapy seem overwhelming and just not worth it. For me, when I didn’t have a relationship established with a therapist, this certainly seemed like Too Much.

I often have a busy schedule with work, hobbies, and relationships. Those of you that have children and other obligations may find fitting therapy into your lifestyle even more laughable.

What I can tell you though, is that therapy has made me better at identifying and prioritizing my needs. It helps me to be better at juggling multiple obligations.

I am a better partner, friend, worker, sibling, daughter, and human being when I can work on myself in therapy. Everyone around me benefits. Even if the progress I make is baby steps.

Above all, what I wish I knew about therapy is that it is never too soon to start.

It has allowed me to grow so that I am able to identify when I need rest, ask for help when I need it, and share some light with others when I feel strong.

If you’re in a particularly tough place with the state of the world and considering reaching out, I hope that what I have shared is useful.

At least you know you are not alone. Many of us have been through it before, and now that we’re on the other side, we’re better for it.